High Fructose is the music festival that any band that's anything on the music-that's-only-cool-if-too-many-people-haven't-heard-of-it circuit would sacrifice their favourite vintage leather jackets to play in. This year's headlining acts are lo-fi gods Hive Engine and twee pop darlings The Penny Dreadfuls, and the event's had its highest turnout yet- Several extra Nebraska cornfields had to be bulldozed just to contain the crowds.

Unfortunately, the headlining bands' long-standing rivalry has come to a head. Hive Engine's guitarist stole the Penny Dreadful's drummer's drugs, or The Penny Dreadful's maraca player slept with Hive Engine's bassist's boyfriend, or something equally stupid. No one's really sure what happened -partly due to both bands' willingness to let unfounded accusations about the other fly- but the important thing is that both Hive Engine and The Penny Dreadfuls have announced their refusal to go on unless the other agrees to drop out of the festival.

As a last resort, the event manager has ordered everyone to sit down and settle their differences. Whether it's through respectful negotiation or the result of a booze-fuelled stupor isn't important- There are only three hours to go, and if this doesn't get sorted out the media will pounce on the train wreck that's sure to ensue and ensure that High Fructose becomes the festival that everyone's heard of- For entirely the wrong reasons.